In between the Blooming flowers and Dying stars...

Feelings, Stupidity, Righteousness & everything in between

2007-01-24T06:21:00.000-09:30

To me, you are still only a small boy,
just like a hundred thousand other small boys.
And I have no need of you. And you in turn have no need of me.
To you, I’m just a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
.
But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you shall be unique in the world.
To you, I shall be unique in the world.

---
One only ever understands what one tames.

---
I shall watch you out of the corner of my eye and you will say nothing:
words are the source of misunderstandings.
But each day you may sit a little closer to me.

---
You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
You are responsible for your rose.
The Fox

---
I remembered the fox:
you run the risk of a few tears when you allow yourself to be tamed…
The Narrator

-----------
*I love the Fox & I am the little prince. :)

New year

2007-01-02T08:14:00.000-09:30

The truth is deep down inside me I know I'm wanting. Yearning for that person who will finally love and "save" me. I want to feel desired, cherished and yearned for. But behind those wantings are the fear.

I am afraid the get hurt, again. My desire for masochism and other martyr acts have already been exhausted. It is finally the time when I'm entitled for even a shred of hedonism.

---
*Excerpt. 010107

Year ender

2007-01-02T08:05:00.000-09:30

So I thought this was my year. The year when I'm starting the end and beginning something.. good and I thought maybe it would be the year that I will finally fall and be loved. I can't dismiss the possibility that maybe he did or still does but at this or from that point rather it became futile. I've finally killed the chances or possibilities brewing between us. I must and I had finally let myself go and search for someone else, someone worthy (I believe , maybe). I haven't found him yet but I have opened doors for other who are willing. I am actually thinking that maybe I have opened it too much that I even invited some unconsciously (though not really unwanted).

As of now I/m still uncertain if next year I may finally be able to find "him" but I am contented with my optimism and openness. I know I can't push myself towards it but I can't stop myself either. If it comes or not I'm ok.

*original date written 12/30/06

Was it hell or paradise?

2006-12-12T01:44:00.000-09:30

You have to resign some of your idealisms to make some work.
(Something I suddenly realized that I wanted him to learn)

----

Now I'm completely convinced that I don't like him and what's worst is because of that I'm inclined to hate him. I know its making me a bad and unfair person.

Emotions overshadow our capability of right judgment. I must have been blinded by my feelings for him before. Maybe what I saw is not the real him but the person that I wanted, that I needed.

- "I have annihilated the possibilities" -

Its hard when you are with someone you don't like but it is harder when you know you don't have the option to drive him away, You are caged by the convictions you made before

------

All of you are terribly confusing. I can't decipher the actions, words and even text messages go give.
I feel like I'm being toyed by your species.
If you can't make it clear the very least you can do is stop right now while I can still endure (or understand) all of this. Please.

Day 1

2006-11-27T05:24:00.000-09:30

I wish I can fool myself that I still like you or love you for that matter.

I know I'm jumping into conclusions again. But I am more afraid for your sake.
I dont' want to disturb the balance that you have long been aiming, struggling and (almost) dying for.

People do things for their sake. Altruism is a disguised form of self centeredness. In my case it is equivalent to guilt.

We both inflicted pain in each other and to ourselves as well. We were miserable. We were masochistic jerks. We were wandering for a commonality in the world and we found each other. We found some relief in that. Then the commonality that bounded us came to haunt us. There comes misery, masochism and chaos. The more we try to mend it the farther we are driven apart. That caused gaps and gaps became silence and silence became misconceptions and misconceptions became what we are.

Starbucks talk

2006-11-17T04:47:00.000-09:30

Life is coffee.

- Belgian waffle with bittersweet cream of life struggles-

This pass few days i injested large quantities of caffeine and my pocket has been cleanly swept out of money.

Its ok. I mean its worth it. The talk more than the coffee.

All of us undergoes a certain type of tradegy.

I try to break out of the absurdity and mundaneness of senior life.

I try to find love (again) with or without relationships.

Longest line

2006-11-06T03:05:00.000-09:30

It is necessary to suffer to be beautiful.

"I have seen you laugh. I have seen you cry. Even if the whole world denies you, you still have me."

(God I wanted to hear that)

Quotes of the day

2006-11-03T04:09:00.000-09:30

A vulture of silence
will eat your gut.

Your own misery
will pick at your soul.

And you will be mute in your shame.

From: Apolitical Intellectuals
by Otto Rene Castillo

---
Festina lente et fugit ireparabile tempus

---
And hunger is part of your routine. Like desire, you give in. To it.
To engorge. To live. Just to die.

From: Anti
Sitting Amok XV,
UP Quills bi-annual folio

---
The memory
is a happy place
to dwell in.

Sequitur
is found
non
in the
blank eyes
of
Love.

From: Zones
by gretchen singson que (guniguni)

Starting

2006-10-26T02:02:00.000-09:30

In about 5 months all this will end. I am terribly hoping, praying and wishing that it will be a good end.

If someone will ask me right now what I fear the most, I will finally be able to give an answer. Not that I don't have anything to fear before, its just that this time this fear is overflowing in the surface and growing day by day in exponential phase.

I fear REGRET.

I am afraid to look back to my life and find that all those years of hardships, sorrow, desperation, alienation and many more is worth nothing. I am so afraid that the laughter, friendship and victories were all false ones. I am so damn afraid to have never felt love at all and never love at all.

I am afraid that I've become what I FEAR.

-------

If someone asks me again if there are things that I regret doing, I can immediately answer that I do and you know why? It’s because regret is like death, inevitable. It’s learning things the hardest way. Its knowing life in its most bitter form. Its acceptance of the painful reality even though your system vomits it (every damn minute).

More than that, it’s a challenge to differ. To let not history repeat itself.

-------

My fear is unresolved no matter how I rationalize its significance.

-------

My ears is currently glued to Moonstar 88 (Popcorn)
I'm catching my breath after a DVD marthon. (Lost, Heroes, Jericho, It started with a kiss... name it huh!)
* Where are you now.

Was

2006-10-11T05:06:00.000-09:30

How long would it take to forget someone or something? Four months, four years, four decades?

I can't remmber the both of you, anymore.
I just knew there was something, something different, something good and something painful.
But all of those were merely objective fragments of my memory. A dictate of hippocampus. A pronounced fact of the past.

I dont know who you are. Why I felt that way and why it faded away.
Selective retrograde amnesia. There are people who unconciously forget things (and others attached to it) in order to regain themselves and build continuity. It can be a total loss of previous memories but in some cases certain parts are selectively deleted.
Feedback mechanism for self preservation.

I don't know really. I'm just wondering....

Needing

2006-09-24T00:37:00.000-09:30

This one of those moments when you finally admit to yourself and to the whole world that you are TIRED.

"Pagod na pagod na ko."

I even doubt if that's the right word.

"Sawang-sawa na ko."

Like what I always tell myself tiredness is a normal word. It can be rejuvenated by sleep and relaxation but exhaustion and fed up is a galaxy away from it.

I don't know really, I just can't find convincing reasons to continue all of this. I'm in dire need of a direction.

I don't want to say this because it sounds too mushy, I NEED TO LOVE AGAIN. The kind of love that is not limited to relstionships. I want to love the things that I do, the places I am in. I wan't to feel that surge of ecstacy and probably anxiety AGAIN.

"Tao din naman ako."

Unloved

2006-09-23T02:31:00.000-09:30

There were moments when the "if's" in your life and the other unsatisfied questions of your being just suddenlly fall on you. Like avalanche, it sweeps you with its enourmous impact blacking out all of your rationality and the structures of your identity. This time the comrpromise of ego is no use, it is id's reigning moment and superego's downfall. With nothing you struggle to face all of these one by one, blow by blow.

What did you gain after all those sacrifices?
Pain & pain. Sometimes recognition becomes a consolation but sadly not from the people you wanted.

Are you finally happy?
I'm not. I believe its my destiny and choice not to be. The truth is I don't know how to be happy and I am frquently wandering where it is found.

Why don't you have a significant other?
NEXT PLEASE. Honestly I wantED to. But unfortunately he cannot love me back. Maybe the other one did but he's too draining for me. I am open to possibilties but right now I don't really think it is possible with all the academic commitments that I have. Another thing is that, I'm quite ideal about how things should be and without satisfying that I may be unwilling to enter a relationship.

Do you still even know how to love?
I would honestly admit that I have quite forgotten HOW to love someone else. Maybe its just a phase in life when you get jaded on this specially when it doesn't work out the way you wanted. I'm still clinging to my optimism that someday I will and someone might also (mistakenly and stupidly) fall for me.

What made you like this?
Like what? This is the type of question that doesn't necessarily ends with an answer but rather it attracts more questions to follow. I don't reallt think I'm capable of answering that question right now.

Where are you REALLY going?
OUT THERE. Don't ask me please I'm definitely uncertain about it.

Earplugs and Eyebags

2006-09-12T04:03:00.000-09:30

My armor for sleep

far away

2006-09-03T20:33:00.000-09:30

I can't clearly picture that less than a year from now I'm actually graduating. That wether I like it or not I'll be thrown into the "real world". A world without my clinical instructors and professors who has given me the lessons, hardships, eyebags, self confidence and doubt. I will be finally relived from overnight case presentations, surprised quizzes, nerve wracking practicals and terrible pseudo finals/ NCLEX exams.

There in an inevitable fact that next year I might (fortunately) have the license to kill or cure or take care of somebody. The thing is, those facts still hasn't dawn into me, until now (somehow). I'm uncertain of what will happen to me without them. I unconsciously attached my self to the four walls of school, enjoyed the hand sanitizer of st. lukes and endured (and understood) the smell and condition of the government hospitals. My comfort has already grown its deep roots within those places and taking it out without the possibility of killing of a part of me is impossible.

I might be just getting too paranoid. Its still a bit far away. For now I still have to review for my finals, continue my thesis and prepare for the boards. But I can't help thinking about it. :)

The last gasp of a dying star

2006-07-01T17:20:00.000-09:30

Its sad to think that we ended even before we could have started. I know your tired of my ironies, rationalization and analogies but let me say it again, since this time it may be the last. I have my reasons. Some of which I fully intend to tell you and others are better left unsaid. First is that in a relationship (either formally started or mutually decided) both should gain happiness, comfort or improvement for it to flourish. A relationship deprive of those is not worth pursuing. A relationship that does nothing but hurt you and pull you down is not worth continuing or starting no matter how intense your love for each other is. Love is never enough, it is never enough (please remember that). Love is an idea, an emotion, an internal sensation that doesn't solely manifest itself. It is a symptom that necessitates complaints. And that is my second point. Your silence and inactions made me doubt your intentions. Even now things are still unclear for me. As for my third point, in life there is a time when ending becomes the best option. It is to preserve the good things we have before it copletely deteriorates. It is to save ourselves from greater heartaches and chaos. Lastly, I am not telling you this for the purpose of us initiating reforms and reincarnate whatever we had. I am teling this for you to know and (if it is not too much to ask) for you to understand (because those are the only things left). There is no use and chance for "again" because I assure you the moment I decided something is over it really is because we have annihilated the possibilities.

------------------
In convalescence
The open but undelivered letter/apology

Only

2006-06-30T02:58:00.000-09:30

When passions, reasons and hormones dies down you are only left with nothing else yourself. You and your achievements, regrets, failures and lessons You with your growing age, responsibility, freedon and more responsibility. You with your numerous attempts to end it all and the hope, will and love that overpowers it. You with your badly beaten heart and stubborn amygdala. Two pieces of you that by now (should've) learned to heal and tame. You and your practical, intelligent and sometimes stupid brain. You've already fought a million struggles together and you know there are a million more to come. You and your jaded smile, worn out spirit and radical soul. These and only these are the things left for you to face this unforgiving reality.

========
Your fading away and so am I.

Reverie

2006-06-16T18:39:00.000-09:30

Embrace the Irony

2006-06-13T04:29:00.000-09:30

That it is in
the Pool of people
you are drowned with loneliness

That it is in
the thousand conversation
you are mute

That it is in
the raining happiness
you are stormed with despair

That it is in
blindness
you see the most

That it is in
the darkess moment
you are enlightened

That it is in
your arms I live
and die

------------------

Thank you for leaving me.

I am Barbie

2006-06-11T07:16:00.000-09:30

Rebirth
You stab me with a rusty knife
That lay for two years there
But is cut a wound so deep
That i remember the nights i lay awake

Things are different now I'm so different

And live for today and if you kill me once again
I don't know if i can forgive you

Firewoman

I wanna be a firewoman
I'll water down your desire
Cause I know this love is a killer
I wanna put out your fire
Apology is futility
Now destiny is not a friend
Did you come for danger
You gave me love for pain
Now you're much more than a stranger
I wanna give you love
But all I have is rain
I'm gonna put it out

--------------------
This is the last time I'll let you hurt me. I hope.

The beauty of a dried flower

2006-06-09T04:07:00.000-09:30

Maybe I've loved again. Just maybe I ave fallen again. I never thought it would happen again and I tried really hard to fight it off. I tried to forget, deny, curse and reject him but my subconscious embraces him. I never could have felt this way if he never gave me hope that he loves me back. That hope is the thing that is killing me. The vague intentions you have given me disrupts my senses. What are we really? What do you want want from me? Tough questions that demand simple answers. Answers that I definitely deserve and terribly needed. Answers that could save or break me right now. But it doesn't matter if I will be saved or broken. What matters more is that I'll be freed from chains of confusion and I will e drwn to vision the truth (even if it kills me).

I don't have 4 months cause my patience has long been drained. Next time it will be decided. I am sorry but this is the only chance I can have myself back.

If nothing happens... lets forget what we've passed through, lets forget our friendship, let us be acquaintances if not nonexistent beings. You can no longer hold on to me because I can no longer allow you to pull me down.

I may have loved you but I need myself back.

------------
*aiwa kanari itai.
*i'll definitely live after this.

Luha by Kapatid

2006-05-21T10:39:00.000-09:30

Galit ka na naman
Dala ng kalbaryong buhat mo
kung kailangan mo ng tulong
wag kang lumayo.. Nandito lang, nandito lang ako..

Chorus:
Sa bawat luha sa bawat sandali
hindi mo lang alam dinaanan ko na rin
sa hirap ng buhay tamis at bigo Oohh..
hindi mo lang alam akoy kasama mo hanggang sa dulo ng mundo

Naalala ko pang..
Muntik ka pang sumuko
ano bang nararamdaman ng puso mong mamon
solo.. trip ka dyan mag isa
hindi mo lang alam akoy kasama mo hanggang sa dulo ng mundo

Repeat Chorus 2X
Sa bawat luha sa bawat sandali
hindi mo lang alam dinaanan ko na rin
sa hirap ng buhay tamis at bigo Oohh..
hindi mo lang alam akoy kasama mo hanggang sa dulo ng mundo

---------------------------
Feeling senti na naman this pass few days.

There you
Go
again.
Shedding a few rays of hope in a black hole.
Cursing. Hurting. Promising. Hoping. LIVING.
---------dying in between----------
Believing. Asking. Contemplating.

Wentworth Miller

2006-05-05T23:39:00.000-09:30

Misconceptions

2006-04-28T18:21:00.000-09:30

"Akala ko mahal ko siya, akala ko mahal niya ko at baka din akala niya mahal niya ko."

If someone will ask me again what we really are I am already prepared, prepared to lie that nothing was ever really there. It was nothing but a mere mistake of Fate. The feelings that surfaced were only a product of our extreme need for comfort and self gratification. It was our last resort in finding continuity for our damned lives. We were convinced and manipulated by the situation and now that its finally over we were awakened that it's nothing more than a dream.

"Kung ikukumpara mo ko sa kotse, shock absorber niya lang ako. Hindi ako ang gulong na nagpapaikot sa buhay niya."

--------------------------
*Fighting for that final shred of hope that maybe you really love (or loved) me.

Sam Soon's lessons to live by (and die martyr)

2006-04-26T06:37:00.000-09:30

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
-- Mark Twain

In -between- computer games and pseudo-reflection

2006-04-26T06:29:00.000-09:30

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

2006-04-26T06:22:00.000-09:30

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Feeling makatha day

2006-04-07T03:25:00.000-09:30

Here are some nice poems i found in the web (all are from http://www.sushidog.com/bpss/main.htm)

FIVE MATH POEMS
by Eileen Tupaz

soulmates

we are all of us
nonsingular creatures
whose identities
must be affirmed
before our inverses
can be found

conformity

why must life
be a diagonal matrix?
where every other path
that deviates from the main
is an unacceptable
- zero

SOLEDAD

by Angela Manalang Gloria

It was a sacrilege, the neighbors cried,
The way she shattered every mullioned pane
To let a firebrand in. They tried in vain
To understand how one so carved from pride
And glassed in dream could have so flung aside
Her graven days, or why she dared profane
The bread and wine of life for some insane
Moment with him. The scandal never died.

But no one guessed that loveliness would claim
Her soul's cathedral burned by his desires
Or that he left her aureoled in flame…
And seeing nothing but her blackened spires,
The town condemned this girl who loved too well
and found her heaven in the depths of hell.

THEY SAY FILIPINA IS ANOTHER NAME
FOR MAID
by Luisa A. Igloria

Our Overseas Contract Workers are the new heroes
of the Philippines --Fidel V. Ramos

Even on their day off, the army
ponders the different ways
to share strength in the many
lands of the enemy, abroad
where they are known
by only one
name.

------
i only got portions of the poems except for soledad

Still

2006-04-07T02:38:00.000-09:30

ito po from peyups.com by caravaggio

I guess all I’m trying to say is that there may be that one person in our lives whom we can’t forget, although we stopped loving them and wanting to be with them and stuff, a long time ago. We can’t forget them, maybe because they were our first in a lot of things. Something we remember occasionally, not solely because of the other person, but because of who we were at the time. The other person doesn’t even play a big part in the production anymore, he or she is just a character, a supporting role. The main attraction is how it made us feel, the relationship, the emotions involved.

How can I ever forget you?

Void

2006-03-29T05:42:00.000-09:30

There's a great chance that no one may ever come to love me.

Memories creep on me like madness.

At this point in time when eveyone around you clings desperately to love, it is close to impossible to accept. It awakens the misery I fought to extinguish for years. It attracts bitterness, jealousy, sarcasm and ironically success. It reiterates the fact that misery is my twin and god has some twisted sense of presenting love.

pic from photosecret

I should have continued to love you.

Coma

2006-02-26T07:20:00.000-09:30

Am I dum or just purely nonesense?

- when i ask myself if I'm in the same country as mike defensor and gloria arroyo whenever they tell us that our the nation's economy is getting better

- that I believe in love despite not being in it now?

- we love despite tragedy, despite the hopelessness of scenarios, despite knowing it's nothing, really, in the grand scheme of things *

- Hearts only break because convention deems it so, because pride delivers a final blow, but never because love is the object of idealistic tendencies and is the foundation of a relationship. *

- relationships end because they do, because they can, and it doesn't have to be messy or tragic*

* fr (caravaggio, peyups.com)

... i guess im in a state of coma

2006-02-24T17:34:00.000-09:30

from postsecret.blogspot.com/

go there its.. i promise there are really nice unconventional post cards there.. you might even find yourself there

I Believe

2006-02-23T06:09:00.000-09:30

- that God exist
- faith is important (but should be balanced with reason)
- we need to suffer
- life is good (but cruel)
- some things can never be changed
- acceptance rather than contentment is the key
- hope never fades- i am strong (when i am weak)
- karma is inescapable
- philosophies are worth dying
- nothing is impossible
- passions are unstoppable
- i will never be alone
- fear is a friend
- i am loved
- death is inevitable
- that euphoria is best rarely encountered
- time can heal- furies come with age
- I will learn to play the guitar
- that I can sing
- conformity is sometimes good
- struggle for change is still worth it
- its ok to cry and loose yourself
- I have exactly what I need
- peace of mind is the best sleeping pill
- a smile makes lot of difference
- I can be what I wanted

My former profile in friendster

2006-02-16T09:51:00.000-09:30

Moody sobra! ERRATIC, movie addict (incomplete ung week ko w/o a movie..), frustrated ROCK star (wala nang kokontra, REBEL IN DISGUISE (medyo commie), MASOCHIST (or maybe its just due to procrastination), always preoccupied with thoughts of not much significance, INSATIABLE (every human is, aren't we?), AGNOSTIC pero medyo mga 60% pa lng (skeptical lng ko), on the verge of life & death, burning with an unknown & uncontrollable PASSION (before... i doubt if the flame is still burning), seeking reasons behind the ABSURDITY of life (and finding solutions for it, in the midst of an IDENTITY crisis, fighting between being RADICAL & being CONVENTIONAL, full of questions and thrown with EMPTY ANSWERS

ako ba ito?

Saved

2006-01-25T20:38:00.000-09:30

Calmness dominates the background but there is a chaos of emotions inside her. She wished to say something. She hoped she could but words seem to escape het the moment she attempts to. This rambling of emotions and words is slowly eating up her sanity. The next thing she knows epinephrine rushes into her veins causing a sense of semi-euphoria and courageousness.

> I know I'm not very vocal about things and most of the time I'm insensitive about your feelings but believe me I'm damned thankful you are here.

> (smiles) Kaw talaga Mitch

That smile bears more significance than words. I don't know why but words are very confusing. They usually lead us to the long track.

That smile meant a lot for me. It saved me many times.

> (speechless... half smiling but almost crying)

I want us to stay like this for now. I loved the understandings we derive in between the lines. That smile alone is enough for me to gain confirmation that regardless of everything were still here together. I'm certain that someone will save me in case my whole life crumbles.

---
*The distance is making us stronger.

*Thanks talaga
*For "posterior"

Purgatory

2006-01-23T04:44:00.000-09:30

Stranded in this horizon
where heaven is abreath away
and hell lies in heart beat.

Irony fills the landscape,
mixing love and bitterness
in one strand.

Forgiveness rarely grows,
restrained by the shallowness
of its roots.

The coldness of the air
is matched by the burning passions
of ecstacy and misery.

It is our rightful place
The land of the damned souls
Inferno's paradise
Purgatory

Senseless

2006-01-23T04:12:00.000-09:30

Submerge my senses
in your Omnipotence
because
I believe

I can feel
your promise
of everlasting love
in every whip of cruelty
I feel loved
I feel numb

I can see
your divine interventions
in every
child on the street
I can clearly see
I am blind

I can smell
your gift of peace
in every
gun powder burned
and rotten casualty of war
I can smell it perfectly
I am nauseous

I can hear
you healing words
in every
dying man
and weeping wife
I can hear them enjoying
I am deaf

I believe
more and more
your infinite power
and undying love
I am numb
I am blind
I am nauseous
I am deaf
Thanks to you.

Sorry

2006-01-12T03:18:00.000-09:30

If I suddenly disappear in this world please don't blame me. I have long been bleeding and fighting. I have exhausted all the means to continue. I give up and give in to what the Fates told me. This world is too much and it had consumed me. This act ironic it may seem is the only way to preserve the things that remains in me.

Eventually

2006-01-12T03:15:00.000-09:30

It's been a long time since we had a talk. I believe there is a great reason why were here. Again.

I thought you don't need me anymore?

I'm not here because I need you.

So why?

I want answers. No I mean I want clarification on things, feelings and living.

I thought you're done asking.

I am but life is not. I am falling apart.

So what’s new about it? It's natural

Its not new I admit but this time I fully intended it.

You want to know why? You just want to be found or perhaps saved like everyone else.

Saved?

We bury ourselves in madness, passion, jealousy and injustice to know life. We search for ideals and philosophies that could free us but at the same time incarcerate us. We slit our arms and let it bleed to feel pain and learn. We self inflict wounds and bare them in public as badges to be found saved and eventually…

The world is an irony.

That's a fact and no one can change that.

That eventuality is absurd. Of all people I never thought I would hear that from you.

Change and irony my friend, two words you should always bear in mind.

I'm tired. What will happen if I’m never found?

Sadism and Numbness

2006-01-12T01:55:00.000-09:30

If love was anything in my life it would be a poison. It killed me several times (probably 3 times probably, once seriously). But death is not really its side effects. There are things worst than that and it is like enduring a torment of being skinned alive and tearing you piece by piece each day. But being subjected to such cruelty is satisfying to those who are born with an inner drive to inflict pain in return of divine assurance that they are indeed alive. It doesn't matter if you loose yourself in the process because it brings you contentment in ways far more effective than happiness. It is because pain is the true nature of all things blessed and beautiful.

In the middle of it you walk barefoot, naked and bleeding, vulnerable from all threats of existence but still you rejoice for it. Congratulations you are now addicted to it and your system desires for more. Maybe the poison was concocted with Morphine (but that really doesn't matter).

After a year (4 years in my case) you reached the end of this tormenting journey/near death experience. You're no longer naked but coated with powerful ammunitions or essential knowledge against that poison. It is so essential that its impact to your life is as powerful as an A-bomb. You are no longer barefoot and now you are already bulletproofed. And lastly you are no longer bleeding. Your adrenalin had vanished but your body have evolved and devised ways to grow immune from those beatings. Now you see the light and regain consciousness. You are free from the poison’s curse and you have developed an impressive and effective antidote.

Then you wondered, thank, regret, ponder and ask will you ever feel again?

Two

2005-07-25T05:28:00.000-09:30

We are two tired souls inhaling misery as vital as oxygen. I don't know if I should be thankful we met again, talk again. The differences between us is erased once loneliness and the questions of existence burst out of our system. I guess those things are really involuntary, it is our form of exhalation.

Two stations more, we finally got to talk. I didn't opened the conversation thought I was itching to ask that question for long.

"May bf ka na ba?"
"Ha! ako? wala no!"
"Mabuti"
"Eh ikaw.. ah musta na pala kayo?"
"Ayon kami pa rin"

Pa rin? I don't know what to say but I'm sure she said it in a different tone. It was more like a leading question than an answer.

Bakit? Its the best thing to ask after that answer. But it doesn't really mean only that. Why are you telling me this? Why what happened? What do you really want? Why now? It was actually ten or more questions compacted in a single word.

"Ang hirap pala ng ganito. Kasi wala namang feelings to start with. Gusto ko lang malaman kung anong feeling nito? Bakit ba nila gusto nito? Ano ba talaga ito?"
"Bakit hindi ka makipagbreak?"
"Mahirap. Wala naman akong makitang butas sa kanya. Kumbaga walang rason, mabait siya."
"I don't know ha. But for me not having any feelings with that person is reason enough. Pero sa akin lang yun."

I should have expanded it more but I don't really know these things. Who am I to give advices?

But what I really want to say is that -- also has a fault. In a relationship one cannot monopolize any mistake commited. Maybe something you seek is not provided. Talk it out if you can. Maybe -- doesn't know it and he deserves to be informed about it. Or better if you end it for now. The two of you must ponder upon things first. But I never even entered a single relationship so the things that I have said can be taken as void. Who am I really? I'm as ignorant as you are.

Naku payo ko sayo wag ka munang magbf.
Ha, ako? That's not even part of my vocabulary. Siguro matagal pa yong ma-add sa bokabularyo ko. Lalo na ngayon ang hirap. Isa pa ewan ko ba la talaga ako interest sa mga bagay na yan. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung bakit kailangan ng bf.

(Last station, North Ave Station. Paki tingin lang po yung mga gamit nyo.)

"Bye bye. Malayo pa pala marathon mo. Sige."
"Congrats pala."
"Sayo din."

------
*sorry i can't help but post it here-- to that person.. you know who you are.

Identity vs role confusion

2005-06-26T17:02:00.000-09:30

I can edure everything. I'm strong cause I feel weak. I love pain, in fact I crave for it. Words, principles, idealism it comes with age and sudden burst of hormones. When you are there you feel invulnerable from the attacks of reality but suddenly...

I'm finally tired.

Tired of enduring it all. Tired of resisting conformity. Tired of fighting for my ideals. Tired of unearthing my passions.

Now I ask, does it come with age and sudden burst of hormones too? Or is it because this age's true destination is a desert of all things? If so what will I do?

All of these makes me reminisce to those times when I had a stock of overflowing reasons and ideals. I used to scream to the world what i am, who i am and where i want to go. There is even one conversation that stay embedded in my head until now. Someone told me that I can only afford to be like that before because I am young but sooner or later age will strip me off with all of that. I defended it with a vague and uncertain answer, "I will hold on to all my principles until I can". But the truth is I truly agree to what he said and that conversation made me anticipate more whats to come. And it is here now. The question is do I finally know what to do? or am I still fixated in the intersection of life?

My answer is I'm still searching...
The world vomits permanence so change is inevetable but even the waters of the ocean must be guided on what paths to take to avoid destruction.

Dancing with fire

2005-05-24T22:13:00.000-09:30

Ang ating kababaihan nagsisiliparan patungo sa ibang bansa saan sa Japan
Matulungan lamang mai-ahon sa kahirapan ang pamilyang umaasa sa kanila lamang
Ilan sa kanila ang umuwing luhaan inabuso, minaltrato at saka sinaktan
Tigilian na ang ganitong paraan nang pamumuhay ng ating kababaihan, masisi ba sila o
dapat kawaan kasalanan ba nila o kasalanan ng bayan

Francis M. --- Nilamon ng Sistema

pic from onereaction.net
================================

On my way home from a mall I was surprised to see three ladies wearing green. It shocked me, good thing I changed my shirt because people would think we came from the same cult. Well I wouldn't feel too bad about it because they all look beautiful but the only problem is they seemed like those people who worked in Japan. I don't have any grudge against those people and I rather not use the term we usually call them because I don't think it is fair for us to brand them like that. In fact I should thank them because I finally gained my long awaited "inspiration" to write or blab or however people view it (I don't really care much, if you want to know the truth) .

"Masisi ba sila o dapat kawaan kasalanan ba nila o kasalanan ng bayan?"

One of the biggest question we are faced and one of the questions that have been answered many times yet very little has been done to fix it. I'm not that certain why I feel that something for them. I feel that we are the same in one way. I'm a budding nurse and sooner or later we'll be backed up by the same reasons we left this country.

Both of us are dancing with fire. Life afterall is a complex dance for all of us. We are all damned to follow its varying rhythm and tempo. And this is the step we must follow. By doing these we gain money and little by little our dreams are formed. But dancing with fire comes with a price and it is an expensive one that money can't even be traded to regain it. WE are also subjected to an enormous risk because the fire that assembled our lives is also the one capable of dismantling it.

I guess mine is a different story that is not worth comparing to them but the single thread that binds us give me shivers of sympathy. I openly admit that it is not empathy cause I know and understand little of what they feel or think.

Emo dic

2005-05-11T07:49:00.000-09:30

Pain

A highly subjective sensation.
A sign of growth.
A threat of vulnerability.
A feeling of humanity.
A counterpart of happiness.
A source of inspiration.
A debilitating disease.

Expression,
exclamation,
comma, period.
Question mark?

Nothing
Everything, anything.
Something.
Someone, only one, everyone,
No one

Complicated.
Simply
Life.

Different

2005-05-11T07:33:00.000-09:30

I completely abandoned my old self. I am a very diffirent person from what I used to be 2-3 years ago. I have metamorphosized into a creature who is least of what I am before. I became a happy and carefree butterfly.

There is nothing new about it. I have changed before. This is not something that I didn't saw coming. I wanted it.

A lot of people told me that cruelty, pain, suffering and the other negatives in life is the expressway to success (if not the only road to it) and I have believed them. Or I should rather say I believed them before.

I can't find the words (yet) to explain or describe these things that's why this things seems to branch from one topic to another tree. I'll probably continue next time. I have been thinking about this since the sem started but I still I can't completely grasp the answers (or questions) that can lead me to understand this.

I am confused but happy.

Again I am happy. I am just happy and everything is the reason for it.

Sliding Stairs

2005-04-29T03:47:00.000-09:30

I fuel the words of my friends today. I feel worst than a publicly accused murderer.

(me)"Hoy!". Looks like I shocked him with my greetings.

(not me)"Uy Mitch DL ka pa ba?". Looks like I'm wrong.

Then suddenly Past snatched my consciousness. It was like deck of cards flashing in a supersonic speed all over my head. It is full of Joker’s face but it is not funny at all, not at all. Next thing I know I’m back to earth again.

His tongue spits poison in my face and I finally felt it. Numbness where are you when I needed you? It’s no use this time.

(me)"A..." You know the answer so why the hell ask me? There are lots of people here and I have intention to publicize my failure. Anyway I guess your right, after all this education this is the only thing I can say. It’s not even a single word and that just proved my worth.

After three steps on the stairs I reached the middle platform and uttered the words of conviction. I’m guilty.

(me again)"Hindi na eh...".

After that I felt like this stairs is made just for me. It was solely for me and to put me down.

=========

I am not gold, what you saw is a falling star. (next one)

For the better

2005-04-27T14:52:00.000-09:30

"Stop killing yourself."

His words still echoes in my mind. Specially that sentence, specially that.

If that is how you see it, then it is my pleasure to seek pain. The more it hurts the better. You might not know it but pain is the essence of my existence. It affirms that I am truly alive.

"Stop it, please. It torments me seeing you like this. I don't want you like this. I never wished for this to happen. I never wanted you to love me. Not you."

You never really understand, do you. I never wanted to share my sadness to you. I never really had a choice on these things. It just suddenly came. No, it gradually came and I gladly welcomed my death sentence.

Forget me. That is possibly the best you can do. Think that I have never existed in your life. Not that I really did but there we certainly subatomic particles of me in your mind. Maybe thats the reason, I'm too small that I managed to surpass all your defences. Oh yes, you can call me a virus but I would really appreciate it better if you'll treat me like a Prion. Because that’s what I'm really am, the culprit for “Mad Coward Disease”.

But seriously at the back of my mind I wanted the same. I desire to forget you. Erase every trace of existence that you left me. But memory is my best friend and my worst enemy. Memory rarely obeys my commands. It works in ways I cannot comprehend, just like magic. Of all things in this world it is the most irrational thing I believe in.

Rational? What is the meaning of that now? You know I lived for reasons. I just checked my amygdala recently and it told me that the reason is no other than you. Oh, what the heck! Now I know if I’m a Prion your probably the Bug in my system. I thought it was flawless but I was so damn wrong. You were the greatest code breaker I have ever seen. I worship you because you were able to decipher my personality.

Ten out of ten people tells me that I should get over you and that is including you. They always reason out that it’s “for the better”. I know I should listen to them because they are the geniuses and fellow when it comes to love and letting go but I refuse to do so. I am an amateur and probably the dumbest person when it comes to this but who is intelligent when it comes to love? You would probably point that finger on the one in the mirror or to nowhere at all (maybe there are some who would point up there, but that’s another story). The things is when it comes to this we can only make decisions and the answer if that is right or wrong is a very subjective one.

Above are great thoughts of soliloquy. I love him and he never knows it and I guess that’s for the better.

2005-02-22T01:13:00.000-09:30

You are the little prince.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

Thoughts floating in a Sugarfree coffee break

2005-01-28T05:06:00.000-09:30

Tulog na mahal ko
Hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
â€˜lika na tulog na tayo
Tulog na mahal ko`wag kang lumuha malambot ang iyong kama saka na mamrublema

Tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Matulog, tulog ka na

Tulog na mahal konandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
Sige na tulog na muna
Tulog na mahal ko at bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas at sabay harapin ang mundo

Tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
Mamaya hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
Matulog, tulog ka na

>>>>I'm tired, I guess we all are.

Dahil katulad mo,
ako rin ay nagbago'
Di na tayo tulad ng dati,
kay bilis ng sandali
kay tagal din kitang minahal

>>>Q: Why do people change all of a sudden? No, what I mean is why do people abandon the things they've almost lived for (or almost died for)? What could have cause her to change? Is it the thing they called "love" or did she got tired of releasing all her fury to the world?

I thought we are the same. We used to be two radicals souls inhaling each misery that we find and exhaling every question of existence that comes in mind.

>>>A(my own): All of us will change in due time. Just wait for it.

=====
I don't drink coffee but someday I may learn.

An open letter to "that person"

2005-01-22T01:39:00.000-09:30

I don’t know how to reply on this e-mail. I don’t know if I should just say thank you (by the way your the 1st one to remember my b-day except for my relatives) or finally let out all those questions, doubts, answers and more questions (from those answers) that have been accumulated in my mind for more than a year. I attempted to tell you this (by e-mail) several times but I guess I never gained the courage (or maybe I convinced myself that it’s not necessary) to do it. Even as I write this, I still do not have what it takes to tell you those things due to reasons I want to conceal for now. I’m not certain if that day (when I have what it takes) will come but if it does…

And I also want to say sorry because I do not always greet you.

Thank you and I really hope that I will still be around.

Mitchelle

-----

**It’s ironic—the way we cringe at the thought of boring a tiny hole in our skin when we never have considered thinking twice before trashing our lives away.

***Living has always been a battle against self-destruction.

(angel - Peyups: Wrist Slasher)

That-->

2005-01-19T17:19:00.000-09:30

After an exhanusting day in class, there's only I thing I look forward to and that is no other than..................

(sigh...) what a relief..
after a few moments...
there again

Torque.. Porque.. Paque ko!

2005-01-17T21:38:00.000-09:30

(the picture below got nothing to do with the Torque)

I finally got to recopy our pictures taken during our Big Nyt in Gazebo Royale. So here goes one of those pictures.

(thats me on the left and martha)

I got one more thing to say...

++=====PHYSICS IS GREAT BUT IT DOESN'T LIKE ME!=====++
*note - its a euphemism

Sa baba ung title

2005-01-16T21:08:00.000-09:30

Our prof (maam guevarra) in lit 102 assigned us to make a poem with the theme like Astro(Radioactive Sago Project). You'll know what I am after you read this poem.

Babaing
kinababaliwan,
kinagigiliwan,
inaasam
ni Eba’t Adan.

Mata mo’y nagliliwanag,
Nakakasilaw!
Katawa’y maalindog,
Nakakapanglaway!
Paa’y mabilis at mahinahon,
Tumutulak!
Tatak ng hinaharap,
Bumabaon!

Mercedes,
halika na,
Mercedes,
lumapit ka
Ilipad mo ako
sa aking pangarap.

Kailan ka mahahagkan
ng paltos na katawan?
Kailan ka mahahalikan
Ng putok ng kapangyarihan?

Ikaw nga ay langit,
nasa langit.
Hanggang panaginip,
nilikha upang mangmaliit
ng katulad naming
sa lupa kumakapit.

Mercedes

Scary...

2005-01-16T01:21:00.000-09:30

got this from http://psychicpants.net/
Procession
Aubrey's friend was on the last stage of her thesis and wanted a quiet place where she could write her final draft. That weekend, she found a house in the province that suited her needs. It was a small up-and-down house in a remote area of this university town. There was plenty of greenery surrounding the house to keep her calm. She admired the plant life from the sala's large windows that had a view of the dirt road. There were no people to bother her. The nearest neighbors were two blocks away. Aubrey left her in that house and went to meet another friend in a nearby province. Aubrey promised to be back in the morning to check on her progress and proofread her work.
So Aubrey's friend set up her work station in the bedroom on the second floor. All day she managed to finish rewriting several chapters, but the revision process extended to early evening. She fell asleep in front of her computer and was awakened by a sudden noise from downstairs.
Down in the sala she saw what seemed to be a small procession of men and women with lit torches. She took note of the date but couldn't think of an auspicious event. It must be the town's patron saint, she thought, but then she didn't notice any announcements of a feast day when she came in this morning. Then she noticed the procession getting closer to the house. Weren't they supposed to be passing the road? Aubrey's friend backed away.
They moved closer until they were next to the windows. She could see how pale they all seemed in the torchlight. She could hear their mumblings. Was it a prayer they were chanting? And then the people started rapping on the windows, pressing their faces and their hands on the glass. They crowded the windows until she could see no more of the outside, only faces and bodies. They seemed to be looking at her, pleading for her to open the door. And when she wouldn't, they pounded on the windows some more until she could bear their sound no more. She screamed and then passed out.
When Aubrey found her the next morning she was still on the floor with a slight bump in the head. She told Aubrey about what happened last night but Aubrey wouldn't believe her. There was no procession last night. Maybe it was the stress getting to her? She was tired and skipped lunch, and probably didn't get a chance to have dinner. But she insisted on what she saw. Still, Aubrey wouldn't believe her.
Until she pointed out the hand prints and smudges on the window. Aubrey examined them from outside then went back in the house. Aubrey told her friend to quickly pack all her things so they could leave soon. None of them said anything until they had left the province.
Aubrey was the first to speak. The fingerprints were made inside the house. Whatever it was that Aubrey's friend saw that night, whoever they were, they weren't trying to get in the house. They were already indoors. What Aubrey's friend saw was their reflections in the glass. They were a procession of souls trying to get out.

In half breath

2005-01-14T19:55:00.000-09:30

life's running as a bullet
spirits now
present's ghost

vs

walking barefoot
in turtle's pace
accelerated through
the winds beneath

...

breathing in
the uncertainties

endurance,
patience,
determination,
understanding..

- in half breath

Dakilang katangahan

2005-01-04T02:28:00.000-09:30

Nagising ako kanina lang. Sana hindi na lang. Sana mas tumagal pa.

Bakit ba naman kailangang ganito?...

Sa iilang segundo pikit mata kong naabot ang bagay o ang pakiramdam na aking ninanasa. Dahil dito tanging ako at ang aking imahinasyon lang ang bida. Walang limitasyon ang lahat... hanggang sa ako ay magising

Nakakainis isipin na sa iyong pagkasing bumubulaga ang iyong pinakamasamang bangungungot.

--- ang ibang pang dapat narito ay marahil itinangay na ng panaginip at mas mabuti nang manatili doon

So it ends.. again

2005-01-01T23:09:00.000-09:30

Vacation has formally ended this day. But before it finally put it self to rest I read and read a few stuff first. I guess its my way of telling and preparing myself of the things including the stress plus the expanding bags under my eyes.

Anyway...

As I was surfing the net as usual I landed on this site www.peyups.com/sites/pancitcanton/. I found a nice love story there ( i usually get bored at love stories but thats because their mediocre... to my scale ok).

An attempt to continue the sanity (Part 2)

2004-12-31T03:11:00.000-09:30

I have seen it coming. I know that it will only take a few sunsets for it to finally happen. I know yet I didn't gave enough even just to fight it because I know I couldn't stop it.

The indelible mark is already printed. And its message is clear, I was lost but I never lose.

---------------------------

nxt
Summer

Two cents of sanity left and a year plenty of change (Part 1)

2004-12-27T20:32:00.000-09:30

The law of gravity is says it best, "anything that goes up must come down". And so it was. This year was one hell of a ride for me (i can only guess that a lot of people have also experienced this). It was fast, heart pounding, adrenalin raising with a couple of twist and turns and a lot of ups and downs just like a roller coaster ride (after it i won't be shock that i'll puke).

Well here's my recollection time.

It started a few months during the second semester of my first year. As expected the accomplishments I made during the first sem became a burden (rather than add to my confidence). Everything that I do is carefully scrutinized to meet the standards that I and the people that surround me have created. Doing so was like subjecting myself to my own death sentence. But there's no other road left to take. I had already passed that chance and turning back is not an option.

Pressure had already been my medium to achieve. I continued with this in mind even though I know sooner or later it will take its toll.

And so it did.

But along the way I stumbled upon a person who will turn me and my perspective on things upside down. This person is the one I fear yet I liked (its platonic alright!) the most. This persons words are the sharpest, so sharp that it can even pierce through my psyche. This person molded me into something different, so different that I do not know if I should thankful of that (or blame) . This person was fierce but ironically it drew me more closer. *

This person was the chaos of my life. My life that has just begun to gain direction but is already on the verge of collapse. Until now im still uncertain if this person had saved me or drowned me more in the pool of confusion. But onething's for sure, I will never be the same again for this person had made taste suffering in its sweetest form. And now I long for that.

I long to suffer.

*notice that I always refer to whoever I'm talking about as a "person". I intend to conceal this persons identity for personal reasons (and yes i'm probably in love w/ him but its platonic)

A flower blooms in the dark sky

2004-12-26T20:41:00.000-09:30

Ai wa, kanari itai. (Love really hurts.)

hisashiburini zetsubou shitéyo. majide. (It's been a while since I wanted to despair. Really.)

--- to be continued---

What remains of the night?

2004-12-23T19:44:00.000-09:30

This piece of ticket and a couple of memories embedded in it.

Big night... small me.. as usual

2004-12-23T02:52:00.000-09:30

Since I watched the amazing speech of Joel Lamangan wherein he used pure Filipino, let me follow his footsteps... well in a way...

--------------------- ******************** ---------------------------
but before that...

---terribly beautiful pictures.. got this from www.u-blog.net/falobarato. there are really nice pics there... i think he's a great for an amateur photographer..

--------------------- ******************** ---------------------------

Maybe tomorrow.. i think my muse had already left me.

Ewan

2004-12-20T21:19:00.000-09:30

Looks can really be deceiving.

Above is a pic of the taenia scolex.. if you do no not know what it is the sucker of a kind of tapeworm.

La lng ko magaawa actually and I thought it looks so nice so why not post it..

Gloomy Monday

2004-12-20T18:22:00.000-09:30

There is something terribly wrong this day,
there is something that shouldn't be
I am out of my senses.

I hear nothing but piano pieces
striking loneliness at its every key.
I feel nothing but numbness
piercing my core.
I smell nothing but the aroma of
Death
that is tempting me.

- -

I am powerless
so I will
Live.
I feel Pain
And I can
ENDURE.

Musings derived from the Last and first

2004-12-17T03:39:00.000-09:30

There are things that are better off experienced once.
Unrepeated.
Left alone to be nourished by the stagnant time.

It is like dying, living and loving.

Again is its poison.
Numbness is its death.

Staying the same

2004-12-17T03:02:00.000-09:30

everything changes,
everything changes.
everything changes.
everything changes.

everything changes.
everything changes.
everything changes.
everything changes,
but me.

I should have written this when we were asked by our Literature professor to composed a poem about staying the same. But instead I have written this

Colors change from red to blue,
Seasons pass all year through.
I wonder if this is true
For the love I gave to you.

Fighting with what time dictates
Is putting life at the stake.
....( i forgot this line)...
For I know...
Change is something I will not make.

11/28

2004-12-13T21:07:00.000-09:30

The cliche is here again. Always dominating my life, my mind and my self. It is so true that when you reach these times it would be better if you really have a concrete reason to cry, to let yourself be taken by the the drama and bitterness it deserves. It would be better if you know who he really is and why I hurt this way but then I am here and hurting by the thing beside me that I do not know. I am just left here to absorb and imagine each and every tragedy that could have occured to make me feel this way and dark as it may always be its hue differs from love, friendship, defeat, dessertation and even victory fron something you do not want.

Now I am compelled to ponder upon things, if not upon everything. Time is running away from me and I have to chase it soon or else I will be forever trapped in this frozen time of misery.

For now I will think that the cliche of it all is life itself.

-- Untitled --

2004-12-13T21:02:00.000-09:30

You sit elbow to elbow with people you know but not
Shells overlap but souls do not meet.
This is just another incident
Turned into a fatal one.

Its not a whisper from your head
But a scream deep within,
You are many when standing
Lying all alone.

...

Signing in... but not permanently

2004-12-05T16:16:00.000-09:30

Damn it! Forgive me that word cause I just can't help it. I still can't believe it that I have lived for almost a month without even a single glance my mails (and a million thanks to the creator of yahoo because of my expanded mail box.. all the mails that are sent to me have all been stored properly but sadly including those useless bulk mails), an update of my blog (why is our modem broken when i have so much enthusiasm to update my blog?.. the irony again) , a chat with my cyberfriends (and also with my real life turned cyberfriends) and a dose of peyups that is giving me adequate (i admit sometimes too much) supply of passion (vs practicality), compassion (vs apathy) and whole lot more that is vital for my survival in this materially driven world exacerbated by the twisted flow of life.

ok... enough of my sentiments..
....
...
..
signing off
.

Casshern

2004-11-08T01:32:00.000-09:30

Arahan

2004-11-07T03:48:00.000-09:30

Sassy girl + Lord of the Rings + Matrix = Arahan

At first I thought this movie will do nothing but mimic the sassy girl with casting a duplicate of Kyun-woo but it has more in store for us to see. Ok.. i say its a mixture of the films that hit box office heaven but probably due to that this film lost its direction (ok im going too harsh..). Why do I say its like matrix... just look at the picture (get it?). Now I learned that imitation is a form of flattery but if a film imitates you and make this kind of a movie how would you view it? My.. its dragging the films to disgrace. But its not that it doesn't have good points though, its just buried underneath.

And oh.. The Lord of the Rings.. you ask?... the costumes of the villain and heroes plus when the past is suddenly flashed back.. the setting reminds me of LOTR..

so that's it!

2004-11-06T02:35:00.000-09:30

I want to have a copy of this film.. I watched it with Emma and we really liked it. It was supposed to be a horror and it is but it transends my expectations on horror film. It seems to have something more with it. Can't deny it.. it reminds me of me and my sister.. hehehe.. its just that I'm probably the younger one.. (the fraile one). I also loved its cinematography (thats a common thing i guess with Korean movies but still this one is different). If ever my bro finds a copy.. I'll watch it again and make a review of it (i really want to know what made me love this movie).

2004-10-30T21:02:00.000-09:30

"It's time we started our own struggle."
- #19 Mimura

Which Battle Royale Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Agua bendita

2004-10-29T04:40:00.000-09:30

Patuloy na pumapatak
ang tubig
tila asidong
tumutunaw
sa aking pagkaTao
sa bawat pag-agos
kasamang tinatangay
ang aking
Kamalayan

Mananatiling bato
hanggat di humuhupa
hahayaang dalhin
ang lahat
ng aking
Pagdurusa

*i wrote this before..i just can't remember when..but i guess i was sad then..

And so finally I've decided

2004-10-25T01:04:00.000-09:30

I'm taking up Nursing.

THE END.

Oo... tama ka

2004-10-22T01:15:00.000-09:30

Pitik-bulag by buzzman (peyups.com)

Malupit magparusa ang katahimikan, bumabaon ang hagupit ng oras sa aking isip.

Balang araw, babakbakin ng ulan at init ang mga rebultong bayani para ilantad ang kabaliwan ng mga puta, pari, senador, at mga kampon ni Satanas sa mga palasyo at palengke.

Ang di marunong umiyak ay walang pagmamahal, dahil ang luha ay nagmumula sa kaluluwa at ang kaluluwa ay kalahati ng sariling naglalaman ng kunsensiya.

Nakadestino ang lahat sa Ferris Wheel― sakay-baba, paikot-ikot.

Kung minsan, mas malalang droga ang ideolohiya o prinsipyo.

Ako ang nagbuntis, ako ang ilaw, pero sino ang nagmamay-ari ng tahanan? Sa aking laman nagka-ugat ang kasaysayan, iniluluwa sa pagitan ng aking hita ang lahat ng bayani.

Hindi mo nakita na multo ang mga prayle, nagbabago ang anyo, nagpapalit-kulay tulad ng hunyango. Paano lilitisin ang mga multo na nagpapalit ng kasarinlan?

Love that Boy or Girl or Movie

2004-10-21T21:39:00.000-09:30

"There's a chance that rules may not accommodate your plans. You need to determine whether thats a problem with you or with the world. Just don't expect reflection from neither parties of life becomes miserable."
---Love that boy

Well that's something to think about.

The one who fade away

2004-10-19T03:29:00.000-09:30

Due to my deep urge to kill time I found myself exploring over things that I wouldn't normally do. Its not that I don't want to, its just that I don't have the time or possibly there are more productive things other than doing almost nothing. And so my recollection began with exploring these pieces or memory that you left behind.

As my eyes glide into this I felt like I'm warped back to those times. Those times when I was convinced that you were the greatest artist I ever met. You painted my world with colors and shapes like no one did. You carved me dreams that are so detailed I thought it was real. You created melodies that made my heart sway in ways that no song could ever match. For that I could say that you crafted my world perfectly and I was more than willing to surrender the blueprint of my identity.

Then little by little I gave myself to you. Though my system rejects it I still fought off this immunity. I told myself that you are different, very different from the bacteria that once infested my heart. In fact I once thought you were really part of me. How can I not think so if we hunger for the same rhythm and thirst for the same reason.

But slowly the colors you painted started to fade and so as my feelings for you. It lost colors and it also took away the dreams and melodies you once created. And that signaled the end.

Do not worry for I do not hate you for that. I have the least regret on doing and believing those things. For it may have snatched my sanity for quite some time but it reminded me that I was human. And I am for many reasons.

*this is not really true but almost*
*just like what i said i wrote this to kill time..no..its not what you think.*
:)

What if..?

2004-10-14T17:14:00.000-09:30

What would you do if one day all the reasons that ignite you just run out? Would you still run and chase it? Would you still do it even if there's no assurance that you can have it back? Is it still worth doing all that?

What if along the way you stumbled upon something new, something that seemed different that you asked yourself why now? Would you change path, take the less travelled and frequently judged?

Then you finally gained consciousness. Life is playing with you again. It shows you all its cards, give you the chance to choose but whatever you do you know you'll still lose (in one way or another).

Don't underestimate me because I've learned from before. I can see your next move. But what should I do then?

For now I will leave. Take a vacation, a break or something that could stop this even for just a moment or two. But is it right? Is is the best thing to do? Questions are the things I can only provide and answers are not mine. In the end we'll just leave it all behind. So why am I still caring?

Because I am still living. So until then.

Question

2004-10-14T01:44:00.000-09:30

I am completely drowned with so many questions that I don't know know if its worth asking anymore. Then I just suddenly stop, erase the other and let this single question linger in my mind. Maybe this was the root of all of this. Maybe this was my reason for this suffering.

"What do I really want?"

Then again a million question travel inside my head in more than 100 per second. Answers were nowhere again. Confusion is reigning in, on, and between me. Back to square one.

All my patience is sucked by the bitterness. The enthusiasm they say has long been gone and used up. Hopes are not born in this miserable body of mine. I don't believe in superman. Time is fleeing away with my life.

If anyone knows what to do in this moment please tell me. I've been suffering for a lifetime already and I'm afraid that I might not hold on for long . I need you who ever you are, whatever you are, where you are.

I need myself back.

Its not about the cat

2004-10-13T07:11:00.000-09:30

Take Care of My Cat (Korean Movie - 2001)

One of the greatest Korean movies I've ever seen.

Going back!

2004-10-11T03:37:00.000-09:30

Its been a long almost a year...no...but it seems like it...since I last posted here..things, time or I have been so busing with my schooling, thinking about everything, worrying about anything or most of the time doing nothing. I hope that I could say a lot of things now since its really been a bit long but then I could never know..lets just wait and see what my muse will dictate me...

An Update to what going on with me lately...

I could not summarize all that has happened cause even if its just weeks it would take years (oh im exaggerating again!) for me to write it and for you to read it (that is if anyone bothers to visit my blog)

reality check - - I failed all my exams since semi-finals (intentionally?...i guess..why...im not so certain)
time check - - five more days and hell week will pass and judgement day will come (i will get what i deserve)
lifestyle check - - i've spend most of my time (if not all) watching movies, tv or sleeping (believe it or not..im sleeping)
vital signs - - i ate an average of 5 meals per day but still i didn't gain any significant amount of weight
answers -- wrong :)

weve taken a few pictures for our project and..ok...remembrance...if we..unluckyly failed to maintain the quota in our course (there a higher chance that it will happen)

And... a few thoughts of mine...

There were a few articles that i read from Peyups (yes...i admit in a peyups addict...and no.. im not yet ready for detoxification) that really struck me hard (ouch!) because i saw within it my own reflection

1. Mask (apocalypse)
"How could you radiate such peacefulness when you are full of angst inside, full of complaints against the world, burning with hate, plotting every minute for the destruction of human race? How could you be so gentle even if you are chaos personified? How could you be so meek when beneath that thick skull of yours is a diabolical mind? It seems you are too good to be true, too impossible to exist, too inhuman to be human, how could you be so? "

- - I totally agree. How is it possible? Why do people expect you to be good when they do not know and understand well what you trully feel (or suffer)? They are probably misinformed, deceived or blinded with the truths of the world. How could they possibly know? Impossible.
Lucky for this person for he had found that person who can..even if not truly understand but at least grasp even just a bit of his heart and mind. Lucky for him for he has a lifesaver whenever he drowns in the uncertain ocean of thoughts he chose to venture. Maybe he was more than lucky... he is blessed and I know that I'm not and I could never be (maybe because I greatly doubt that he is really there). I admit it would be better if I also have one...but then for now or until i do not know.. i'll hold on to myself and I won't expect for her/him to come.

2. Cliche of Melodrama (linchpin)
"But you’re not pining for somebody. You’re not crying for someone else. But you want to—it would make more sense if you did. It would not do well to cry over lost coins and wishing wells; the failure of missing shooting stars; the incomprehensibility of mourning the death of a single ant carrying a portion of a crumb on its tiny little back, calling yourself a murderer until you are persuaded by your guilt. What if suddenly, you are too tired to dream? That suddenly, everything makes so much sense that you just have to accept them at face value. You only want to see what’s logical. You want to dwell on what’s real."

Shit!(sorry I just can't help it)..something just stabbed me..something just created a BIG HOLE inside me.
It is true... definitely true... undeniably true... and it happened, happens, and (I think) will continue to happen to me. These are the moments when pain is engulfing you wholely that you can't determine where it started, what caused it and what can make it stop. To elborate further, those times when you knew no one and nothing could make it stop and you've got nothing left to do but endure it, learn from it, and make the most out of it. Then after it you can't even lift a single finger of your body because all of who you are, the things you have worked hard for long and the dreams you have carefully woven is sucked by the "melodrama" which lasted for only a few minutes or hours. Too tired, you have no choice but just to go with the flow because resisting it demands a lot of energy which you lack now. (oh..i just rephrased it...but thats it..thats what i intend to say)

3. The Hermit (lastboyonearth)
"The secret of life," he continued, voice turning to a stage whisper that I was sure everyone could hear anyway, "is numbness."
"'Tis simple, really. The older you are, the more numb you get. Eventually, you stop feeling anything. Joy, Pain, whatever. It's all a blur to you. Nothing you can do can change this. It's the law of nature, boy. When that happens, nothing can save you."

Oh my!...another...
At first I didn't quite get what the author means by this but when I repeatedly read it I finally grasped it. But still it left me wondering...pondering on why he said it and how true is it. After a few hours of mind bending analysis Icame up with a conclusion..that is...he is right..but not totally(or is it?). How could the secret of life be numbness? He had answered it already but I'll try to simplify it according to my understanding. You become numb the older you get because the experiences you faced made you tougher. It increases your treshold for pain... by being immune to the events that you previously encountered. This really applies in our lives but numbness might be an unsuitable term for it. Numbness is characterized by absence of sensation. We can feel the pain (that is why it is unsuitable) but the only difference is that the effects of it is not as much as is does the first time. We now know the mechanisms for coping against it. And I believe that "stronger" is a better term for it.
On the other hand he might be totally true but it only applies for certain persons (or instances). There are times that we become numb of the things that are happening to us. We developed a kind of "comfortability" with it and it passess like every other normal thing. If this happens we become so pitiful and just like what he said, "nothing can save you". I hope I (or we) will never come to this point.

:)

Cusp

2004-09-23T23:07:00.001-09:30

Sorry. Yun lang ang laman ng sulat niya. P__I__! Bakit siya ganito? Sinbukan ko namang ibigay ang lahat. Pinili ko din namang intindihin siya ha! Pero bakit ganito? Andaya talaga niya!

Mandurugas, Balasubas, Hudas, ano pa ba ang pwede kong itawag sayo? Talagang hindinh-hindi kita mapapatawad sa ginawa mo. Marahil yun din ang dahilan kung bakit “Sorry” lang ang tanging masabi mo. Alam mo namang kahit ano pa, pagkahaba-haba man ng explanasyon mo, galing man yan kay Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, sa paborito mong pilosopo na si Camus o kahit kanino pa mang pilosopo walang pupukaw sa pait na ibinigay mo. Alam mo rin namang may galit ako sa kanila o kung hindi man nagseselos lang ako. Sinabi mo na sa akin noon na itigil ko na ang pag-iisip ko nang ganito. Pinilit mo pa ngang isiksik sa utak kong kinakalawang ang mga pilosopiya nila ngunit kahit anong gawin mo tila wala nang pag-asa. Basta nag alam ko masaya ako (bago mo ako sinaktan) at hindi ko na kailangan ng mga ganyan.

Naalala ko pa noon ang saya-saya natin o baka ako lang pala. Minsan kasi hindi ko matanggal sa aking isip na ginagamit mo lang ako. Baka nga ako lang ang isa sa iyong mga kasangkapan para maiba naman ang daloy at magkaroon ng panibagong bugso ang iyong buhay. Pwede din namang armas mo ako sa pagrerebelde mo sa mundo, partikular na sa iyong magulang.

Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko ikaw ang pinakakakaiba. Sinabi ko nga yan sayo at sagot mo nga ay “Pinupuri mo ba ako o kinukutya?” Bakit ka ba ganyan mag-isip? Pareho nga yata, kasi naman ganon ka din sa akin. Pinapasiya mo ako habang sinaksaktan.

Gusto ko nang tapusin ito. Ang pagsariwa sa nakaraan ay parang paglalagay ng asin sa sugat na kailan may hindi na maghihilom. Sa huli ito lang rin ang masasabi ko, salamat!. Salamat sa papatikim mo sa akin sa lahat ng lasa ng buhay, lalong-lalo na sa pagpapanamnam mo sa akin ng pait nito.

Dahil dito hinding-hindi na ako tulad ng dati. Hindi na ako magkukubli sa saya dahil mulat na ako na ang mundo ay malupit. At higit sa lahat mas malakas at matatag na ako.

Ilang taon na rin pala. Ngayon sa wakas ay nabisita din kita. Sana ay masaya ka na kung nasaan ka man ngayon...ay hindi mo pala yun magugustuhan. Sana na lang tama ka sa naging desisyon mo.

*for MM who inspired me to write this and to those who can appreciate

**what do u think about the story...got any questions...just post it ok!

new_light_aurora
9/23/04

Somewhat right.. a little bit wrong

2004-09-20T03:05:00.000-09:30

I am truly passionate.

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.
Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Empty

2004-09-20T01:07:00.000-09:30

The world occupies my mind
with all my dreams that died
and the pus it left behind

.......

reality had sucked it all
deeply up to the bone
leaving only none

.......

i grope for the impossible
stick even if its unrealible
outcast thats now i become

.......

wasted i go where you point me
even nod to everything you tell me
thats when i was born
and EMPTY i am

In me

2004-09-17T02:50:00.001-09:30

Your words are always bothering me
everywhere I go its haunting me
until now its hurting me

did u really planned on slaughtering me?
or is this your way of enlightening me?
little by little killing me

the light is already blinding me
reality is draining me
when will you start rescuing me?

i was on the edge of ending me
because even you are not defending me
why do u keep on denying me?

still..
you are In me
undeniably changing me
in a way molding me

forever will...
your words are bothering me

Where is mine?

2004-09-17T02:36:00.000-09:30

I'm quite bothered because this pass few months I can't hardly feel it beating the way it normally does. Is it because of the hard blows it had faced? or maybe due to its confusion on the ever changing world? or I guess brought about by the people who crushed it with broken promises? or most probably my own fault by insisting the philosophies that is constantly rejected by reality? I can only ask and hope for now that soon I will figure out...

Apoy na nawawala

2004-09-14T22:59:00.000-09:30

Ngayon na namatay na ang baga
ni usok walang makita
nagmumuni-muni hanggang umaga
ngunit tanging abo ang nasa gunita

Maglalakad,
tatakbo,
biglang hinto
hanggang kailan ako ganito?

Patuloy na mangangapa sa kawalan
hindi man alam hanggang saan
o kung may iba pa bang daan
tila walang patutunguhan

Hahanapin uli
magtatanong
tapos mapapagod
asan ang lugod?

It may stop but not end here...

2004-09-14T20:49:00.000-09:30

Maraming tao ang lumalabas pasok sa ating buhay. May mga nariyan lamang kung kailangan ka, nariyan lang, nariyan lang kanina, nariyan kahapon, nariyan ngayon, nariyan sa hinaharap at ang pinakamahalaga ay ang mga nariyan at hindi mawawala. Sadyang mahirap humanap nito dahil kakaunti na lamang ang may angking katangiang ganito na nabubuhay sa mundo. Matagal din akong naghanap ngunit nakita ko siya noong hindi ko inaasahan.

Kahit saan, kahit kailan, kahit ano pa siya ay laging nasa piling ko, hinding – hindi malilimutan at kalilimutan kasama ang mga tawa, halakhak, luha, problema, solusyon, panibagong problema, sakit sa puso, paghilom ng puso, sakit na uso, sakit sa bato(gan) at matitinding sakit sa bulsa.

The life I wanted...or I thought so

2004-09-14T20:28:00.000-09:30

Is this enough to change my path?

I read this article and I immediately felt so envy...so envy..that it has again awaken my desire to take the other road. Then reality came to opposed it.

I just want more but it seems that I have to take less.
I'm still not convinced. I'm not yet ready t0 stand for it and I'm not sure if I will ever be.
Still thinking until know or maybe forever dreaming for tomorrow

A few lines that I like

matututunan mong mahalin ang buhay
nabubuo ang pagkatao
Nahahasa ang utak
Tumatatag ang prinsipyo
Nabubusog ang kaluluwa
Ang puso, minsan humahalakhak, minsan lumuluha
Mga klase na pumupukaw sa kaisipan
Mga gawaing akademiko na humahamon sa tatag ng loob at tibay ng katawan
Mga gimik na simple pero rock
Mga usapang pang-kaibigan na nagpapagaan ng mga problema
Mga kwentuhang kalokohan at masayang halakhakan
Mga palitan ng ideya tungkol sa kahit anong mga bagay
Mga simpleng pagsasama-sama na gumagamot sa mga pusong duguan

Long I have known but I just realized

2004-09-14T01:53:00.000-09:30

I can still remember this quote that my prof in anatomy gave as introductory to the female reproductive organ. The first time the sentence landed my ears (plus eyes i suppose) i knew it will be added on the continually growing number of thoughts stored in my prefrontal brain (wait ill stop now before i give high fallotin' words). The quote goes like this:

"your sorrows are your joys unmasked" --Kahlil Gibran

Ironic, isn't it? A lot of things are and I'm really fascinated in it.
How come sorrows are unmasked joys? Its absurd but true.
It is like saying that all our joys, happiness, or the like all rooted from our very own pains. The pains that pinned us down, knocked us several times and is still continually crippling us. It was as if telling us to REJOICE SUFFERING for when it cease to exist we will never TASTE HAPPINESS or in other words without SORROWS there can never be JOYS.

Did you get my point?
Ok i guess that's it for now. Its hard to explain things and I feel a lazy to elaborate on that.

P=J=S=H=L=M=A (decode!)

Queued

2004-09-10T23:51:00.000-09:30

What a day! Yesterday was great. Period. I don't why I dont want to say anything more. Maybe soon I'll figure out but for now I will leave it like this ...undescribed..unknown.

I thought i already knew it..but the truth is..I don't have any idea.
Tomorrow maybe i'll tell you but for now I'll remain an enigma.
*my thoughts

As i was waiting for my name to be called i read this magazine since i don't really enjoy being comatose or maybe i just hate the movie they're watching. As i was reading (the magazine really got interesting articles there including health facts..w/c i can relate to somehow plus ah & inspirational stories..of the two women grace padaca & patricia..oh i forgot..) i came across this

The most destructive habit - Worry
The greatest loss - Self respect
The most endangered species - Dedicated leaders
The greatest "shot in the arm" - Encouragement
The most effective sleeping pill - Peace of mind
The world's most incredible computer - The brain
The deadliest weapon - The tongue
The most prized possession - Integrity
Our greatest natural resource - Youth
The most crippling failure disease - Excuses
The greatest problem to overcome - Fear
The two most power-filled words - I can

I actually omitted some of it already
I guess most of them are true...but most definitely it doesn't apply to all of us.

Oh..sayang..i didn't make it to the Matilda shoot..my ortho's fault..anyway..
Thats it for now...

another test..

2004-09-06T23:38:00.000-09:30

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
brought to you by Quizilla

and another...

You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very
creative but never show your work to anyone.
You may smile a little but sadness or
loneliness surround you and other can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or
unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and
you probably have a lot of secrets that you've
never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging
and unorthidox but the real thing that makes
you special is your eyes. Something in them
makes them like Diamonds in the Rough.

What's Your Element(girls)?
brought to you by Quizilla

now..its quite clear who i am now...

Am I suicidal?

2004-09-06T05:40:00.000-09:30

I fear that i need to know...

Take the quiz: "Are you really suicidal??"

your not sure
you can't decide if your life is bad enough that you really want to end it. your family and friends mean a lot to you and you dont want to cause them pain. just hang in there, the bad times will pass, and the good times are in your future. get rid of any pills or sharp objects in your room in case you happen to make up you mind...

Kamikazes

2004-09-05T23:53:00.000-09:30

Day by day
you can see them
but you cannot approach them

Each morning
they wake up
and commit suicide

By mid day
these hungry souls rush
to fill their empty stomachs

Then night approaches
the killing ends
and they live again

Just to die another day

2004-09-05T16:20:00.000-09:30

A quote that i got from the film ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.
The film is nice (i couldn't find another adjective to describe it). The story was quite unusual, though it tackles about the theme that have been overly and superbly used over and over unrelentingly..yes LOVE it is..it still never failed to bring the audience to a new perspective. I don't think it was brought about by the memory erasing thing but then it had contributed to it. I will aso admit that I didn't grasped the message fully or it didn't make that much impact to me due maybe to the fact that im not IN LOVE or I HAVE NEVER BEEN in that situation. But I really wonder what if I am? I tried to put myself in that as I was watching the film but my efforts failed (or I just think so?). Anyway I don't want to sound like a film critique so anyway...shift topic..
There are 2 quotes given in the film, one is from Nietzsche the other is from Pope Alexander..oh..i mean Alexander Pope (w/c i wrote there on the pic) and as for Nietzsche here it is...

Blessed are the forgetful for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Nietzsche

2004-09-05T00:13:00.000-09:30

i added a some of my fav quotes and poems..i think i made took me 3 hrs to finish this..y is it too long?...i also
dont know...
ders dis quote..yeah again..saying.."what im afraid of is not to be worthy of my sufferings..den..
ders...the poem i composed..
den..picture of bamboo and e-heads..
den ders another quote..my fav..but seems like a cliche to me now.."the greatest girefs are those we cause ourselves"...i just got it from Oedipus Rex..
i also added the word life there..i don't really know...i just feel like putting it there..since there's a space and i found some letter..so there it goes..

2004-09-05T00:03:00.000-09:30

front cover of my anatomy book...i just made it like this so i wont be bored looking at the human anatomy and physiology..
there's this poem that i got from the web..
and a quote from a book that i read..
obviously..a pic of matilda

The chase

2004-09-04T16:23:00.000-09:30

Run
run away
do not look back

Run
run fast
do not let me catch you

Ghost

2004-09-02T22:30:00.000-09:30

you will probably understand me more
if you can
see this,
hear this,
touch this,
even for just a bit
feel this...

pain is an understatement
loneliness is not the word
i cannot express it more
but if just dig a little deeper
maybe then you will know
so till then...

i'll fade
till you sense me...

BP, PR, RR, temp..these are the vitals signs

2004-09-01T04:42:00.000-09:30

or also known as the cardinal signs...discrepancy on this means a malfunction..

yes these are the vitals signs..
signs that my dawn in near
i cannot learn this
now this is truly a vital sign
make or break
fight or flight
its a dilemma...no other alternatives
now or never
will i still remain here
or take my flight somewhere
i must prepare
either for this test
or the next
failure..
is not an option..
it is a decision
so what now?